Trouble. With a capital T. And that rhymes with C. (And that stands for crazy!)

I’d love to devote my blog solely to interesting things. To make it pithy and witty. To fill it with keen observations. But I gotta work with what I got. And what I’ve got is a weekly ritual. Along with a bunch of girlfriends, I watch "The Bachelor" on Monday nights. It's more of a social event than anything. Still, it's kind of like one of those bruises that you just. can't. stop. touching! ("But it hurts when I touch it...")

Sometimes we have to TiVo it and watch it on Tuesday, but that never works. Someone (okay, sometimes it’s me) always checks the blog on Tuesday morning and shares the spoilers. It's a good thing that it's recorded, too, because half the time, we're laughing in horror at/about/in spite of the train wreck unfolding before us.

And that's the worst part. We still watch.

So, here I am, telling you about The Bachelor. And actually, not even in good time. Only I’m not on ABC’s payroll, so I can be honest.

In addition to all of the bottle blonde hair and a lot of breasts on display, what was most apparent to me this week was that Monday night's "ladies" (do they call them "bachelorettes")were remarkable in their ordinariness. They were, of course, all very pretty. (Even the ones that I suspected might have been men. Don’t tell me that you didn’t think that, too.) But so few of them seemed interesting or intriguing. (And unfortunately, those that did were eliminated.)
Admittedly, Jake seems kind of boring, himself, so maybe he wants bland. But really, how did he convey that to the producers? What did that discussion look like? “Okay, here's the thing - I’m specifically looking to avoid interesting conversations and anyone with judgment, modesty or self-respect. Thanks. That’d be great.”

So, apart from the personality deficit (though a definite surplus on other assets...) what also struck me last night is the difference between the men's post-elimination self-assessment and the women's. Now, I’ve only watched half of the last “Bachelorette” season, and one episode of “The Bachelor”, so I don’t know if this is typical, but I sure hope that show has some good counsellors on staff to help these particular women! One girl, who seemed really sweet, actually uttered these words, "I wasn't good enough!" Sorry? Sweetpea, that is not an appropriate assessment of your "performance" (let's call it what it is!) during a few hours of contrived and alcohol-imbued interaction, which was also being filmed! (Now, I don’t know about you, but I have auditioned for a television reality show. OhyesIhave. Knowing that what you are saying and doing is being captured on tape for all posterity is STRESSFUL!)

Clearly, some of them never had parental guidance when they were watching TV - someone to say, "it's okay, honey; it's not real". They took the whole thing so personally, which, I suppose it is, but in addition, they took it so HARD, like it was real! And in spite of the moniker “reality television”, there’s not one part that’s rooted in reality. Well, maybe one thing: The Bachelor, Jake Pavelka, noted that he's been “unlucky” in love. That. Part. Is. Real. And I think I know why. About the women you decided to ask to stick around, Jake? They were UNreal. (Er, I have a pretty good idea why you haven't "found love" yet.)

Jake, honey, we need to talk. You seem like a nice guy. So why aren’t you looking for someone nice? Some of the women that you eliminated were cool. They seemed like the type of women that I’d want to have as friends. Some of them seemed kind. Some of them could laugh at themselves and didn’t take themselves too seriously.

In contrast - you asked trouble to stick around. Maybe you need to re-think what you're looking for. Because the way you're going... you're still lookin' for trouble. Good luck with that.